I know, I know, it has been nearly 2 weeks since I have last updated. I have thought about it a couple times. But most of you know my life is a bit overwhelmed right now. I'm pretty much living my life on auto-pilot. This has been a roller coaster ride and right now I feel like I'm hanging upside down in the middle of a loop! Which for me isn't a good feeling (maybe for some of you this is the type of adrenaline rush you thrive on, NOT ME!).
My first question is, Why did God lay it on my heart to take control of my weight AGAIN and make it publicly known exactly one week before my husband got diagnosed with cancer? This is a prime example of a reason to cause me to overeat! I can't say that I'm eating totally 100% healthy. But I can confidently say, I haven't ran out and stocked up on my favorite trigger foods either. I am walking the dog and going to CURVES, but I haven't totally turned that leaf all the way over yet. Our life right now is so chaotic, that I don't know what I am going to be doing the next hour. We go to a doctors appt expecting to do one thing and next thing I know we are always sitting in the hospital getting another test done.
Speaking for myself, I am emotionally, physically, and mentally drained! I can hardly carry on a conversation without saying, "I forgot what I was talking about." I'm functioning on very little sleep and my mind is racing a mile a minute with all kinds of thoughts and scenarios going through my head.
B has been diagnosed with a rare form of kidney cancer called Oncocytic Neoplasm. So rare in fact that the Oncologist we are seeing in Peoria has only seen 2 other cases and he has been practicing since 1977. B's kidney function deterioates a little more each day. I can see him becoming more exhausted and his patience are paper thin. He is usually a very laid back patient guy. I on the other hand...well we won't go there. Just don't get my order wrong at the drive thru right now...it might push me over the edge! FAIR WARNING!!! I know he isn't sleeping either and I can only imagine what his thought process is and how his body must feel. I think we are both just spent!
We continue to have procedures and doctor appts over the next 2 weeks. Anxiously awaiting our August 15 appt to put the puzzle together. In the mean time B has met with Dr Pflerderer which is B's mom's kidney dr. And he would like the kidneys to come out sooner rather than later. He is suggesting that with B's age and our lifestyle that B consider at home dialysis. So B would be able to still work full-time. Then would come home and have supper as a family and then 2-3 hours of dialysis 5-6 days a week. Essentially life as we know it would be over. B would need to be on dialysis and cancer free for at least 2 years before he would be considered for a transplant. That was a real blow to us. We have this image in our head of what life is going to be like and it seems in he will be under house arrest. He won't be able to go to E's ballgames, school programs, DQ after supper. And most importantly, in the summer take E for their nightly swim after supper. Again, these are all images in our heads. We are scheduled to take a 2 hour dialysis class next week. And I'm just overwhelmed. I'm not inclined to nursing, I can do a band aid but not much past that. And lets face it, I'm not really a compassionate person. I'm just not wired like that. So, I'm going to have to learn some bedside manner. I'm more of a you've got 2 legs, go get it yourself type gal!
Again, this is all kidney related stuff, we haven't even heard from the Oncologist yet, because we still have some tests scheduled. So we don't know if we are looking at chemo and radiation as well. We feel like we have been hit with a double whammy!
Still not a whole lot of answers. Hoping that I will be able to start blogging about what this blog is supposed to be about soon! Praying for a miracle to take place in B's body.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
My Best Friend
What is the defintion of FRIEND? Per Websters it is: one attached to other by affection or esteem; a favored companion. That definition pretty much sums up my relationship to food. I favor it and there is some food that I have a deep affection for. Double Stuf Oreos being at the top of the list!
If you remember back on a earlier post, I spoke of our family moving from Illinois to Missouri. I was 10 years old at the time. A tough transition for a 5th grader in the middle of the school year. This is an age where we think we are independent; however we are not. But we really don't want to express to our parents that we don't know everything or that there are issues that we could use some help with. As I reflect back this is when I realized that food had become my "best friend"! It was always there, and it was the same food that I enjoyed in Illinois only now I was in Missouri. Where as my life had been turned upside down moving to a new state, new house, church, school, and etc. I had such a great group of friends in Illinois. I went to school and church with the same friends. When I moved to Missouri---none of the girls that went to our church went to my school. I was the odd man out and having red hair didn't help either. So what-- that I couldn't make the friends in Missouri. The Twinkies, Oatmeal Creme Pies, Oreos, Pop Tarts, frozen pizza. They were there AND they didn't care! There I would sit day in and day out all alone in my bedroom with my favorite foods while listening and singing along to my Amy Grant cassettes and gorging on junk food. This was pretty much my life for the next 3 years.
Then came my 8th grade year. I begged my parents to let me attend the local Christian School. It was a small school. But a good size for our community. There were 13 in my 1991 graduating class. We were a tight knit group of kids at SMCS and we did a lot together. I finally found some people that I could call "friends"! I felt included, and that I belonged. And I actually started to care about what I looked liked. So I didn't overeat as much as I used to. I was too busy having a social life. But when I hit bumps in the road I would find myself turning to Mountain Dew and Snickers to solve my problems. All through highschool I wore a size 10/12 and even a 14 sometimes. All my girlfriends were wearing 3/5 or 7/8's but they never cared about my weight they loved me for who I was on the inside not the outside. I was thrilled that I wore a size 9/10 dress to my highschool graduation. And on a side note--I was an outgoing, fun loving girl and I did have different boyfriends throughout highschool.
Then it was off to college...I went to college 4 hours away from home and I didn't know a soul when I got there. My first semester was a bit challenging trying to find friends, but I did. I loved every minute of college. Dominoes had a great deal, you could order a medium 1 topping pizza and a 2 liter of soda for $5. What do you think I ate most nights for supper? That was a sweet deal!! Plus I had a great mom that sent lots of care packages; and of course that always included some tasty treats as well! Although I wasn't neccessarily turning to food for comfort during college I always had an ample stash to snack on whenever the going got tough!
Fast Forward to about 15 years ago Brad and I were engaged to get married, Brad says I was a bit of a Bridezilla. (I don't recall! LOL) But with all the dynamics that come with getting married. The in-laws, moving in together, going on birth control, and becoming a married couple. It was a tough transition. I turned to food often during the first couple years of marriage. We had lots of friends before we got married but once we were the married couple our single friends quit hanging out with us. That was tough for both of us.
Then in 2003 we had E!! Our wonderful blessing from God that we had prayed and asked God to give us. She cried 9 hours a day for 9 months straight!! You bet I was eating a lot during that time. I felt all alone, and didn't know what in the world to do. So I would just eat and cry, eat and cry, and eat and cry some more. E has turned out to be an awesome, delightful little girl. However, she was very good birth control for a long while!!
When E was about 16 months old I decided to stay home full-time. I thought it would be great fun! I would get plugged into some Mommy groups in Morton and E and I would make lots of friends and life would be grand! This was NOT SO! You see, I don't have the right last name, and I'm not from Morton, I married into Morton. I just wasn't getting the warm fuzzies from these other moms. I thought I was included. But then I would be out and about and see everyone elses vans from my mommy group at one another's houses. And I wasn't invited?!? This happened all too often. So again, I would come home and eat and cry, eat and cry, and eat and cry some more. I was popular in highschool, popular in college. Why couldn't I make friends as an adult? I felt like I was in Jr. High all over again! Haven't I been there done that??
Anyways, when E was in Kindergarten I became friends with a great group of moms! They are AWESOME!! Most of them have been transplanted to Morton themselves and felt the same kind of angst I did trying to fit in. As a lot of you know on July 14 we found out that B has a rare form of kidney cancer. The past 2 weeks have been a roller coaster. This would typically be a time that I would definitely be turning to food for the comfort and solace that I need. But do you know what? I have a great network of support in these "new friends" and "old friends" too. I am proud to say that I haven't eaten in private, I haven't been gorging, I haven't been to the grocery store to buy my private stash! This is a time that I could typically put on 20lbs very quickly. B sees an Oncologist on Friday, July 22 and the waiting is so hard. But, I have leaned on God and my friends. And both have been very wonderful! And BUNCO gals you are the best; the timing was AWESOME for the card shower! So much love and appreciation goes out to my friends--my true network of support! Sorry Double Stuf Oreos---in Donald Trump's words---YOU'RE FIRED!!
If you remember back on a earlier post, I spoke of our family moving from Illinois to Missouri. I was 10 years old at the time. A tough transition for a 5th grader in the middle of the school year. This is an age where we think we are independent; however we are not. But we really don't want to express to our parents that we don't know everything or that there are issues that we could use some help with. As I reflect back this is when I realized that food had become my "best friend"! It was always there, and it was the same food that I enjoyed in Illinois only now I was in Missouri. Where as my life had been turned upside down moving to a new state, new house, church, school, and etc. I had such a great group of friends in Illinois. I went to school and church with the same friends. When I moved to Missouri---none of the girls that went to our church went to my school. I was the odd man out and having red hair didn't help either. So what-- that I couldn't make the friends in Missouri. The Twinkies, Oatmeal Creme Pies, Oreos, Pop Tarts, frozen pizza. They were there AND they didn't care! There I would sit day in and day out all alone in my bedroom with my favorite foods while listening and singing along to my Amy Grant cassettes and gorging on junk food. This was pretty much my life for the next 3 years.
Then came my 8th grade year. I begged my parents to let me attend the local Christian School. It was a small school. But a good size for our community. There were 13 in my 1991 graduating class. We were a tight knit group of kids at SMCS and we did a lot together. I finally found some people that I could call "friends"! I felt included, and that I belonged. And I actually started to care about what I looked liked. So I didn't overeat as much as I used to. I was too busy having a social life. But when I hit bumps in the road I would find myself turning to Mountain Dew and Snickers to solve my problems. All through highschool I wore a size 10/12 and even a 14 sometimes. All my girlfriends were wearing 3/5 or 7/8's but they never cared about my weight they loved me for who I was on the inside not the outside. I was thrilled that I wore a size 9/10 dress to my highschool graduation. And on a side note--I was an outgoing, fun loving girl and I did have different boyfriends throughout highschool.
Then it was off to college...I went to college 4 hours away from home and I didn't know a soul when I got there. My first semester was a bit challenging trying to find friends, but I did. I loved every minute of college. Dominoes had a great deal, you could order a medium 1 topping pizza and a 2 liter of soda for $5. What do you think I ate most nights for supper? That was a sweet deal!! Plus I had a great mom that sent lots of care packages; and of course that always included some tasty treats as well! Although I wasn't neccessarily turning to food for comfort during college I always had an ample stash to snack on whenever the going got tough!
Fast Forward to about 15 years ago Brad and I were engaged to get married, Brad says I was a bit of a Bridezilla. (I don't recall! LOL) But with all the dynamics that come with getting married. The in-laws, moving in together, going on birth control, and becoming a married couple. It was a tough transition. I turned to food often during the first couple years of marriage. We had lots of friends before we got married but once we were the married couple our single friends quit hanging out with us. That was tough for both of us.
Then in 2003 we had E!! Our wonderful blessing from God that we had prayed and asked God to give us. She cried 9 hours a day for 9 months straight!! You bet I was eating a lot during that time. I felt all alone, and didn't know what in the world to do. So I would just eat and cry, eat and cry, and eat and cry some more. E has turned out to be an awesome, delightful little girl. However, she was very good birth control for a long while!!
When E was about 16 months old I decided to stay home full-time. I thought it would be great fun! I would get plugged into some Mommy groups in Morton and E and I would make lots of friends and life would be grand! This was NOT SO! You see, I don't have the right last name, and I'm not from Morton, I married into Morton. I just wasn't getting the warm fuzzies from these other moms. I thought I was included. But then I would be out and about and see everyone elses vans from my mommy group at one another's houses. And I wasn't invited?!? This happened all too often. So again, I would come home and eat and cry, eat and cry, and eat and cry some more. I was popular in highschool, popular in college. Why couldn't I make friends as an adult? I felt like I was in Jr. High all over again! Haven't I been there done that??
Anyways, when E was in Kindergarten I became friends with a great group of moms! They are AWESOME!! Most of them have been transplanted to Morton themselves and felt the same kind of angst I did trying to fit in. As a lot of you know on July 14 we found out that B has a rare form of kidney cancer. The past 2 weeks have been a roller coaster. This would typically be a time that I would definitely be turning to food for the comfort and solace that I need. But do you know what? I have a great network of support in these "new friends" and "old friends" too. I am proud to say that I haven't eaten in private, I haven't been gorging, I haven't been to the grocery store to buy my private stash! This is a time that I could typically put on 20lbs very quickly. B sees an Oncologist on Friday, July 22 and the waiting is so hard. But, I have leaned on God and my friends. And both have been very wonderful! And BUNCO gals you are the best; the timing was AWESOME for the card shower! So much love and appreciation goes out to my friends--my true network of support! Sorry Double Stuf Oreos---in Donald Trump's words---YOU'RE FIRED!!
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Self Control is Just Controlling Myself...
This song was on one of my Psalty the Singing Songbook records I had as a child. (Yes, I still remember records and most of you should too!)As I've been reflecting back it came to mind...Self Control is just controlling myself; It's listening to my heart and doing what is smart. Self control is the very best way to go so I think that I will control myself!
Hello! My name is Staci Petersen and I'm an OVEREATER! It is so tough to say you are addicted to food. In my mind it is one of the toughest addictions to have. You have to eat to live. An alcoholic can just stay away from the bar. A smoker can just quit smoking. Allbeit, there is a lot of will power and self control that comes with those addictions. But food is always going to be there.
I was watching one of my new favorite shows last night. Extreme Makeover-Weight Loss Edition. This show follows a person for a year while they journey to lose massive amounts of weight. Everyone does well the first 3 months as the trainer actually moves into your house, shops with you, cooks with you, and he even turns a room in your own home into a home gym. Then the next 9 months you are on your own. He sets up a video camera in your home gym and kitchen and watches you and calls and/or emails you daily. Now to me it seems like a "No Fail" set up. I've watched 5 episodes and saw 4 people really transfigure themselves and their lifestyles. But last night I sat and watched tearfully as I understood this guy struggles, he was addicted to food. He did well the first 3 months and lost 110 lbs. (his starting weight was near 500lbs)but the next 9 months he spiraled out of control and was suicidal and ended up gaining 60 of the 110lbs back. The show ended with him checking himself into a food addiction recovery center. That's when I lost it. This could be me, if I don't get myself in check. (yes, I too have been suicidal over my food addiction)
I am an emotional eater. I don't need a reason to eat. I eat when I am happy, sad, stressed, angry. But I really do a majority of my eating in private. I buy things at the grocery store and hide them so I can have it all to myself, I go through the drive-thru when I'm alone and eat. And then eat with my family again when I get home. And these are secrets that I am ashamed of. My favorite things to eat are crunchy and creamy! I love Double Stuf Oreos & now they have Double Stuf Nutter Butters!! Just typing that makes me salivate. My husband has done the grocery shopping in our home for a long time. I'm an overeater and grocery shopping is overwhelming to me. Although, he doesn't really understand why I want him to do the shopping he does it. And for that I am grateful!
Why can't I just look at food as fuel for my body? I have all of the knowledge I need in my head because I have tried losing weight several times over the past 15 years. Lets see, I've done Weight Watchers, Weigh Down, Tops, First Place, I've done my own little thing. I have had a trainer at Training Domain, I've had a trainer at Gold's Gym, and I had a personal trainer that came to my house. I've been a member at CURVES, Gold's Gym, and now back at CURVES. I know what I am supposed to do. And I do well for about 90 days and then I crash and burn. In fact I never really do it long enough for anyone to notice any changes in my body. Which is perhaps the reason that I do crash and burn. I just kind of feel like, if I'm not getting the compliments and encouragment then why do it? I need some cheerleaders cheering me along the way and picking me up when I fall. (hence the reason for this blog!)
Now, you wanna know the really great thing about my husband? Besides that he does most of the grocery shopping! The great thing is...he doesn't care that I'm over a 100 lbs overweight. He loves and accepts me just the way I am! He has never seen me under 200 lbs. Except for one time 7 years ago when I weighed 198 lbs for 2 days!! You wanna know the really bad thing about my husband? Is that he doesn't care how much I weigh! You see B & E really don't like to eat healthy. And there in lies the trouble with my weight loss. I try to change the way I cook and they just really don't enjoy it. I hope they will come around, but it is really difficult. He will grill burgers on the grill and I will have grilled fish with steamed veggies. Yes, I can do it for 90 days, then I cave into their food. So there is where I need the most help. I can't be tempted by those high fat foods that just make tired and nauseated. I have to stay on track for more than 90 days. And just maybe this time I CAN DO IT!!
Hello! My name is Staci Petersen and I'm an OVEREATER! It is so tough to say you are addicted to food. In my mind it is one of the toughest addictions to have. You have to eat to live. An alcoholic can just stay away from the bar. A smoker can just quit smoking. Allbeit, there is a lot of will power and self control that comes with those addictions. But food is always going to be there.
I was watching one of my new favorite shows last night. Extreme Makeover-Weight Loss Edition. This show follows a person for a year while they journey to lose massive amounts of weight. Everyone does well the first 3 months as the trainer actually moves into your house, shops with you, cooks with you, and he even turns a room in your own home into a home gym. Then the next 9 months you are on your own. He sets up a video camera in your home gym and kitchen and watches you and calls and/or emails you daily. Now to me it seems like a "No Fail" set up. I've watched 5 episodes and saw 4 people really transfigure themselves and their lifestyles. But last night I sat and watched tearfully as I understood this guy struggles, he was addicted to food. He did well the first 3 months and lost 110 lbs. (his starting weight was near 500lbs)but the next 9 months he spiraled out of control and was suicidal and ended up gaining 60 of the 110lbs back. The show ended with him checking himself into a food addiction recovery center. That's when I lost it. This could be me, if I don't get myself in check. (yes, I too have been suicidal over my food addiction)
I am an emotional eater. I don't need a reason to eat. I eat when I am happy, sad, stressed, angry. But I really do a majority of my eating in private. I buy things at the grocery store and hide them so I can have it all to myself, I go through the drive-thru when I'm alone and eat. And then eat with my family again when I get home. And these are secrets that I am ashamed of. My favorite things to eat are crunchy and creamy! I love Double Stuf Oreos & now they have Double Stuf Nutter Butters!! Just typing that makes me salivate. My husband has done the grocery shopping in our home for a long time. I'm an overeater and grocery shopping is overwhelming to me. Although, he doesn't really understand why I want him to do the shopping he does it. And for that I am grateful!
Why can't I just look at food as fuel for my body? I have all of the knowledge I need in my head because I have tried losing weight several times over the past 15 years. Lets see, I've done Weight Watchers, Weigh Down, Tops, First Place, I've done my own little thing. I have had a trainer at Training Domain, I've had a trainer at Gold's Gym, and I had a personal trainer that came to my house. I've been a member at CURVES, Gold's Gym, and now back at CURVES. I know what I am supposed to do. And I do well for about 90 days and then I crash and burn. In fact I never really do it long enough for anyone to notice any changes in my body. Which is perhaps the reason that I do crash and burn. I just kind of feel like, if I'm not getting the compliments and encouragment then why do it? I need some cheerleaders cheering me along the way and picking me up when I fall. (hence the reason for this blog!)
Now, you wanna know the really great thing about my husband? Besides that he does most of the grocery shopping! The great thing is...he doesn't care that I'm over a 100 lbs overweight. He loves and accepts me just the way I am! He has never seen me under 200 lbs. Except for one time 7 years ago when I weighed 198 lbs for 2 days!! You wanna know the really bad thing about my husband? Is that he doesn't care how much I weigh! You see B & E really don't like to eat healthy. And there in lies the trouble with my weight loss. I try to change the way I cook and they just really don't enjoy it. I hope they will come around, but it is really difficult. He will grill burgers on the grill and I will have grilled fish with steamed veggies. Yes, I can do it for 90 days, then I cave into their food. So there is where I need the most help. I can't be tempted by those high fat foods that just make tired and nauseated. I have to stay on track for more than 90 days. And just maybe this time I CAN DO IT!!
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Reflecting back to 1984
Well I dropped the bomb on B & E. Yep, Mom is going on her healthy eating kick AGAIN!!! E is practically in tears and B is just wondering how long is it going to last this time? (at least that is what his body language is telling me!)But really E is one of the reasons that I am doing this AGAIN! She got on the scale this week and weighed 80lbs!! YIKES, my 8 year old weighs 80lbs. She weighed 68lbs at her yearly appt in Jan. This was unacceptable, we have made too many trips to the DQ. Those of you that are Mortonites know what I'm talking about!
Anyways, when I saw E weighed 80lbs I quickly reflected back to my 5th grade year, I was 10 years old. We had just moved to Missouri the year was 1984, I remember the move so vividly I hated it! Okay, back on track...my mom took me shopping for an Easter dress, that is when we discovered I no longer could buy clothes in the girls dept. I had to move up to Juniors. I was excited at first because I was looking at smaller sizes 3's & 5's!! I wasn't wearing a 14/16 anymore! But then my mom brought me back to reality and said, "they aren't smaller they are actually bigger, you are supposed to be a teenager when you start wearing this size." And thus the saga began. The quest for the Easter dress in a brand new town where shopping was very limited. It was AWFUL! I tried on every dress in that town in my size, it was either, too big up top, too tight through the hips, not juvenile looking enough...Yada, Yada, Yada. My mom and I were both in tears by the end of the day. And do you know what? we ended up buying the first dress I tried on in the very first store we went to. I really didn't like the dress, it was white with red flowers on it. It didn't look very Easter-(y) at all. But that is the dress I ended up with and it was a size 5. The only size 5 dress I ever owned.
I do not wish these type of shopping trips on E. (I don't want to go through them as her mother either, I've been through them already as the child and in fact I still go through these shopping trips today with myself)I would love on my next girlfriends trip to Chicago to be able to shop alongside my girlfriends. Instead of me standing outside of the GAP waiting on them while they shop or them waiting on me while I run into Lane Bryant or splitting up from them at the dept store while they shop in their size and I wander to the back of the store to shop plus size. I want to shop in the same dept as my girlfriends for once in my life!! I would love to put those plus size days behind me.
Those of you that know E; know that she can say the darndest things and bring some comic relief. In her own innocent way she has commented on how "she wishes I looked like other moms because they are skinny". And just this week, she commented that she "didn't think you could be fat and go to college". She thinks that only skinny people go to college. Well, we all know that isn't so and we usually all graduate a little heavier than we went into college! Oh the innocence of a child. That is why it is important for me to take those reins and guide them a different direction; and sooner rather than later. Because if you know E; you know she has a strong dislike for school. And I have to wonder if she is thinking that she would like to continue to eat the junk food so that she can be fat and not have to go to college. That is just how her little brain thinks!
That is my reflection for today. I have a million thoughts going through my head and I'm trying to stay on track and not lose anyone. But honestly thoughts pop into my head and I think, Oh Yeah, I need to mention that too. But maybe tomorrow...
Thanks for your support and encouragement. Please try to post comments on the blog. I have a friend that says she prints her blog out and makes it into a book form and I would like to try to do that as well. I'm still learning on how this blogging all works. I tried to post some pics but it said my images were too big. It's a work in progress, just like me!
Anyways, when I saw E weighed 80lbs I quickly reflected back to my 5th grade year, I was 10 years old. We had just moved to Missouri the year was 1984, I remember the move so vividly I hated it! Okay, back on track...my mom took me shopping for an Easter dress, that is when we discovered I no longer could buy clothes in the girls dept. I had to move up to Juniors. I was excited at first because I was looking at smaller sizes 3's & 5's!! I wasn't wearing a 14/16 anymore! But then my mom brought me back to reality and said, "they aren't smaller they are actually bigger, you are supposed to be a teenager when you start wearing this size." And thus the saga began. The quest for the Easter dress in a brand new town where shopping was very limited. It was AWFUL! I tried on every dress in that town in my size, it was either, too big up top, too tight through the hips, not juvenile looking enough...Yada, Yada, Yada. My mom and I were both in tears by the end of the day. And do you know what? we ended up buying the first dress I tried on in the very first store we went to. I really didn't like the dress, it was white with red flowers on it. It didn't look very Easter-(y) at all. But that is the dress I ended up with and it was a size 5. The only size 5 dress I ever owned.
I do not wish these type of shopping trips on E. (I don't want to go through them as her mother either, I've been through them already as the child and in fact I still go through these shopping trips today with myself)I would love on my next girlfriends trip to Chicago to be able to shop alongside my girlfriends. Instead of me standing outside of the GAP waiting on them while they shop or them waiting on me while I run into Lane Bryant or splitting up from them at the dept store while they shop in their size and I wander to the back of the store to shop plus size. I want to shop in the same dept as my girlfriends for once in my life!! I would love to put those plus size days behind me.
Those of you that know E; know that she can say the darndest things and bring some comic relief. In her own innocent way she has commented on how "she wishes I looked like other moms because they are skinny". And just this week, she commented that she "didn't think you could be fat and go to college". She thinks that only skinny people go to college. Well, we all know that isn't so and we usually all graduate a little heavier than we went into college! Oh the innocence of a child. That is why it is important for me to take those reins and guide them a different direction; and sooner rather than later. Because if you know E; you know she has a strong dislike for school. And I have to wonder if she is thinking that she would like to continue to eat the junk food so that she can be fat and not have to go to college. That is just how her little brain thinks!
That is my reflection for today. I have a million thoughts going through my head and I'm trying to stay on track and not lose anyone. But honestly thoughts pop into my head and I think, Oh Yeah, I need to mention that too. But maybe tomorrow...
Thanks for your support and encouragement. Please try to post comments on the blog. I have a friend that says she prints her blog out and makes it into a book form and I would like to try to do that as well. I'm still learning on how this blogging all works. I tried to post some pics but it said my images were too big. It's a work in progress, just like me!
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Let the Journey Begin; Again!
Hello, my name is Staci Petersen and I'm addicted to food. Especially sugar! The first step is to admit we have a problem. My problem is evident to all who see me. I've never met a cookie I didn't like, creamy dips with chips, popcorn, my love for popcorn runs deep; the dripping in butter popcorn you get when you go to the movie theater!
I am a closet eater, I eat when no one is looking and I hide food that I love and don't want to share. I'm ashamed and embarrassed but I have nothing to hide anymore, because you can look at me and know that I enjoy eating. It isn't because, I have big bones, it isn't genetic. (although, I do believe it contributes a little bit, however it isn't the reason for me being 1oo+ lbs overweight) It is plain and simple, I EAT TOO MUCH!!
I know we've all heard the phrase "I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired." Well that is how I feel about my weight. I have been overweight my whole life...I know how much I weighed in the 5th grade 115 lbs, I know my weight in the 8th grade 155 lbs, I know my weight when I graduated high school 175 lbs, I know my weight on my wedding day 203 lbs, and I know my weight when I was 9 months pregnant 233 lbs. And today, I weigh 240 lbs. More than I did 9 months pregnant. The sad thing is, I've lost and gained the same 25-50 lbs at least 5 other times in my life. I can do good for about 90 days at a time and then I just fall back into my old habits.
I was going to lose weight for my wedding, that didn't happen, then I was going to lose weight before we went on the family cruise, that didn't happen. Then I was going to lose weight before I turned 30 I did, I lost about 40 lbs!! Felt great, then we all know what happened...YEP...got pregnant! Then after I had Emily I was going to lose weight to go to Hawaii, that didn't happen either...well you get the picture. I have set all these goals, but yet never really followed through. In fact I started on this journey back in November 2010, I had a trainer and everything, then the holidays came, sickness, and I just starting missing appts with my trainer and I never went back. I lost 25 lbs in 8 weeks with her, I was doing AWESOME. But got easily sidetracked and slipped back into my old ways. That is what is so frustrating...she believed in me and I was doing so well and she said I would be on track to lose 100 lbs in one year. But I lost momentum. Yes, I let life and my sinful desires get in the way of my progress. Which leads us here today to this blog.
I have decided that I want to be physically fit by the time I am 40 years old. I'm not going to put a number on it, although I do have one in mind (135 lbs I think I skipped right over the 130's when I was growing up!). This is like the 100th time in my life that I have been down this road, I'm familiar with all the bumps and curves in the road. Hopefully by blogging about my journey it will keep me in check! So put your seatbelt on it's going to be a bumpy ride!! Come journey with me on My Quest to Find My Skinny Genes-or JEANS rather!!
I am a closet eater, I eat when no one is looking and I hide food that I love and don't want to share. I'm ashamed and embarrassed but I have nothing to hide anymore, because you can look at me and know that I enjoy eating. It isn't because, I have big bones, it isn't genetic. (although, I do believe it contributes a little bit, however it isn't the reason for me being 1oo+ lbs overweight) It is plain and simple, I EAT TOO MUCH!!
I know we've all heard the phrase "I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired." Well that is how I feel about my weight. I have been overweight my whole life...I know how much I weighed in the 5th grade 115 lbs, I know my weight in the 8th grade 155 lbs, I know my weight when I graduated high school 175 lbs, I know my weight on my wedding day 203 lbs, and I know my weight when I was 9 months pregnant 233 lbs. And today, I weigh 240 lbs. More than I did 9 months pregnant. The sad thing is, I've lost and gained the same 25-50 lbs at least 5 other times in my life. I can do good for about 90 days at a time and then I just fall back into my old habits.
I was going to lose weight for my wedding, that didn't happen, then I was going to lose weight before we went on the family cruise, that didn't happen. Then I was going to lose weight before I turned 30 I did, I lost about 40 lbs!! Felt great, then we all know what happened...YEP...got pregnant! Then after I had Emily I was going to lose weight to go to Hawaii, that didn't happen either...well you get the picture. I have set all these goals, but yet never really followed through. In fact I started on this journey back in November 2010, I had a trainer and everything, then the holidays came, sickness, and I just starting missing appts with my trainer and I never went back. I lost 25 lbs in 8 weeks with her, I was doing AWESOME. But got easily sidetracked and slipped back into my old ways. That is what is so frustrating...she believed in me and I was doing so well and she said I would be on track to lose 100 lbs in one year. But I lost momentum. Yes, I let life and my sinful desires get in the way of my progress. Which leads us here today to this blog.
I have decided that I want to be physically fit by the time I am 40 years old. I'm not going to put a number on it, although I do have one in mind (135 lbs I think I skipped right over the 130's when I was growing up!). This is like the 100th time in my life that I have been down this road, I'm familiar with all the bumps and curves in the road. Hopefully by blogging about my journey it will keep me in check! So put your seatbelt on it's going to be a bumpy ride!! Come journey with me on My Quest to Find My Skinny Genes-or JEANS rather!!
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